#humor

"Man...heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand...heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like tasty stew. But then, once she has heated up, there's no stopping her."

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."

"I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder."

"I’d fight for your love like I’m Tyler Durden. I want you to hit on me as hard as you can."

"On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"Fig The proud oak wed a seedling figHe welcomed her caressThough round his lofty limbs she woundHe saw no need for distress.The fig enveloped all his trunkHer grip grew firm and tightThe oak withered in his arroganceAs she choked off his last light."

"Want vs. What's Coming to You As the Rolling Stones say,You can't always get what you want ~but God will always give you what's coming to you."

"The covers of this book are too far apart."

"You like them,"I realized.Noah's eyebrows lifted in question."Like as people.""As opposed to...furniture?""They're my PARENTS.""That is my understanding, yes."

"Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place."

"Punctuation, is? fun!"

"Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles."

"For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand."

"New York Haiku "My monthly rent checkis more than you will make inyour fucking lifetime."

"Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time."

"The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"What's that?""That's my attack poodle."

"Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe."

"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"