#humor

"I’m out of health potions. Retreat! Retreat! Give me some of your health potions!” I screamed. “I don’t have any potions. Run, bitch, run,” Brody squealed. The red ran out on my health and my assassin was transported, stripped of everything we’d earned, back to the starting camp. “I’m dead! Fuck, they killed me!"

"Joussard, Alberta, Canada Haiku Love North Country Fair.Music, dance, artisan market ~a walk back in time."

"I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist."

"If your dreams seem to be drifting away, wake up!"

"The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life."

"What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?"

"Half-assing it twice isn’t giving it 100%, but both can be yours for the one-time low-price of half off. Also on SALE now: My love. Order yours today."

"Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to."

"Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong."

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"

"What are you grinning at?"Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke.""Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke."

"Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus."

"What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?"she says after a few minutes of silence have passed."Honestly?""Does now seem like the time for honesty?"I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap."

"Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!"

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."

"...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?""In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty,"he replied."

"Is it better to be feared or loved? Loved, because people associate with you because they want to, not because they need to. We need to eat beets, but we want to eat cake. Be the cake of the world."

"Are you any good at it?""Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best."

"In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness."

"Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth."