Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"The wind may be invisible, but it’s colored by memories of you, as you gently blew into my life, adding motion and emotion to my still-beating heart."

"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."

"He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance."

"A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"You are allowed to think whatever you want at Emory, so long as it is approved by administrators. They are watching."

"Read her poetry before you make love to her. That way she’ll be asleep when you do. I’m as romantic as a rocking chair with wheels."

"A kangaroo would jump better if instead of legs, it had a trampoline under its torso. And there would be no depression, because it would bounce right back."

"Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life."

"I find Bukowski to be so edgy, gritty, and daring that he oozes romance, and if couples read him in bed they would appreciate what they have."

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Talk on the door. Try to get it to open up through communication, not violence."

"I know the X’s and O’s of football. I just don’t know the other 24 letters. And as a writer, this bothers me."

"I need to take loving to the extreme, as if it were a sport requiring a helmet and parachute. I wonder if @redbull would sponsor me."

"Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future."

"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."

"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"

"A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician."

"To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch."