Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."

"Her love is more aww than awe, and even if were awesome, I want aweall, not merely some awe. I’m greedy for the amazing."

"I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?"

"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."

"The wind may be invisible, but it’s colored by memories of you, as you gently blew into my life, adding motion and emotion to my still-beating heart."

"I knocked on her door twice. The second time was from the inside. That’s how love works. At first you want in, and then you want out."

"My heart can hold all the love you give me. If you need to quantify it to properly price it for sale, it would be one gallon."

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."

"I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation."

"Anything disguised as anything is chameleon. A ghost disguised as an unobservable and invisible object is a great example. Still, that’s easier to see than the love my ex wife had for me."

"Our love, that’s real. Our currency, the dollar, that’s imaginary. Invest in us, and I promise you that you won’t lose your life’s savings."

"Trying to hide my feelings to avoid getting hurt just ends up hurting not only myself—but also the person I am hiding my feelings from."

"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."

"I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping."

"I chased the chaste, and they got scared and scurried. Then I stood still and loved where I was at, and all approached without fear of reproach."

"The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze."

"Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life."

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

"When it’s raining, instead of using an umbrella, try holding an empty drinking glass above your head. That’s exactly how I thirst for your love."