Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"You are not your body. You are the sum of all your actions, and they live on after your body dies. You may be mortal, but your brand is eternal."

"Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up."

"Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home."

"When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and all the rest of my sense."

"A raisin on the ground is full of hope that if it just keeps aging, it will turn into wine and get drunk on its wrinkly self."

"She makes my heart melt. There is a limited supply of sips, so grab a straw and start slurping while you can."

"Her love used to be my lighthouse, and now it feels like I'm treading water in the dark. I’ll bet as soon as I start swimming, the sun will rise and color the sky with the romance of rose."

"I am so extreme that I do parkour like a caterpillar gyrates. My movements are slow and methodical, but eventually my free running takes flight. I love the same exact way, and my romance has the essence of a butterfly."

"Tennis is the only sport with love in the score, and that makes it the most romantic. I would be a player, but I wisely use the net to go fishing instead."

"There’s no reason to not be humble, because as great as you may be, you can always be greater."

"I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE."

"I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno."

"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."

"I’ve never been in a yesterday quite like today. Seems like the perfect time to be in love."

"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."

"I’m 33, and an 18-year-old girl called me old. I said, “You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair."