Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"We had a lavender kind of love, so soothing and smooth, and if I could bottle up what we had, you'd want it all over your body."

"They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to get inside of you? After all, most men buy women alcohol so they can get inside them too."

"When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say something awkward I still look cool."

"#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher."

"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."

"I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love."

"I’m a little more reserved in person than people expect. But I warm up quickly, like leftovers. Meatloaf, anyone?"

"You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail."

"I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone."

"I question the equation like an equestrian, and I realize it’s horseshit. What is the equation? Vote=Change."

"I’m so shy that if you played “Guess The Mannequin” with me and two mannequins, you’d pick me, because I’m the quiet one. Still, it’s important for me to get out and meet people, even if that means hanging around department stores wearing the latest fashions."

"I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry."

"If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit."

"People don’t buy products—they buy people. It’s called slavery. I mean networking. It’s called networking."

"I believe the way to master my destiny is to serve others. If I raise up others, am I not also raised up?"

"Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"

"On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by."