funny

"I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack."

"Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. “I feel like I need to mark my territory.” “Shut up.” “Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy."

"She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content."

"You look angry,"he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me,"she said very, very slowly, "on hold."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed."

"I picked up the nearest weapon I could lay my hands on: a stapler. I lifted it, going for “menacing.” I admit it lacked a certain elegance, but hey. It was worth a shot. David placed his hand on my arm and pushed it back down.“What?”“Just . . . that’s embarrassing for all of us,” he replied."

"I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake."

"I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!"

"Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden."

"I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes."

"If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would've put our mouths on the side of our heads."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."

"I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield."

"Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!"

"Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."