funny

"When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with."

"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."

"Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work."

"A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained."

"Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed."

"Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?"Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark."

"There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights."

"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"Mal snickered. "What's so funny?""I just pictured the Darkling being cornered by a sweaty duchess trying to have her way with him."

"Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food."

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic."

"I always felt that Jim Morrison was a terrible name for the front man of The Doors. No, for a band called The Doors, a name like Rusty Hinge would have been more appropriate."

"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do."

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."

"It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks."

"Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish."