funny

"Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed."

"Emergency Valve Regulators,"she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?"Not really,"he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones."

"In the office, Michael sat behind our father’s desk, clicking away at the computer with his right hand, and making notes with his left. Ambidextrous freak."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

"His eyebrows pulled in. “You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?”“I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?"

"I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career."

"On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones."

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"I've got the Mark of Cain,"said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?""You can kill yourself,"Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.""There goes my Saturday."

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it"

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"

"She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot."

"Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy."

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."