funny

"Not one word,"Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding."Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding."

"I take a sip of my beer, and it's - I mean, it's just astonishingly disgusting. I don't think I was expecting it to taste like ice cream, but holy fucking hell. People lie and get fake IDs and sneak into bars, and for this? I honestly think I'd rather make out with Bieber. The dog. Or Justin."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something."Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--""Shut up."I shook my head and started walking."

"And you look beautiful,"she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good."

"I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,"said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow."

"Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business"

"Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless.."

"There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles."

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!"