funny

"Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers."

"I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library."

"Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck."

"Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup."

"Don't gobblefunk around with words."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"In this world only the paranoid survive."

"My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns."

"We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"Oh, of course,"said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library."

"She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you"with "May I take your order?"

"Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!"

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago."

"Your mail could've waited."Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?"Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand."