funny

"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs."

"The human body is the best work of art."

"There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny."

"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."

"The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!"

"Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"Sane is boring."

"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital."

"What the hell is that?"I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?"I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox."

"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"But Amy,"Elder says. "Space suits!"

"It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"How very wet this water is."