funny

"I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems."

"No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it."

"Simon!"Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?"Simon looked alarmed."I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age."

"My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?"

"Are you implying that shreds of my reputation remain intact?"Will demanded with mock horror. "Clearly I have been doing something wrong. Or not something wrong, as the case may be."He banged on the side of the carriage. "Thomas! We must away at once to the nearest brothel. I seek scandal and low companionship."

"You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price."

"I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers."

"I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed."

"Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish."

"I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle."

"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."

"I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don't we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like, Her love was as pure as yellow snow."

"I had died and woken up in High School Musical"

"He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."

"Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert."

"You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!"

"You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down."

"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?"at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?"-Maximum Ride"