funny

"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump."

"Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go."

"How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it."

"I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that."

"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."

"He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. “So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me?” No, she did not just say that. Did she?"

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench."

"I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary"

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place."

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."