humor

"The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir."

"'Tell Suzie she's a lucky cat.' Have sexier words ever been spoken?"

"There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything."

"I really should come with a warning label."

"In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"She should've interviewed Snape,"said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school..."

"Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said."

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

"I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!"

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world. So if it is correct to say that humor was stamped out in Nazi Germany, that does not mean that people were not in good spirits, or anything of that sort, but something much deeper and more important."

"When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth."

"A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality."

"Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--turn your toes out when you walk---And remember who you are!"

"The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes."

"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."

"You have to have a sense of humor about life to get through it."

"I love puns. I've been known to turn the car around just to take advantage of a good pun situation. It really is the highest form of humor."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."