humor

"I desire the things that will destroy me in the end."

"I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you."

"Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever."

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."

"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."

"I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself."

"I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you."

"25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again."

"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?"

"I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win."

"Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."

"Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God."

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."

"Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that."

"He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."

"His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?"

"This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid."

"You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street."