humor

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"My hands could be considered deadly weapons. You see, I write with both of them."

"I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny."

"Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency'."

"The people I mixed with in Monaco didn't relate to my South African mentality or humor... Although I have met some wonderful people since I've been living in Monaco, I regard them all as acquaintances. I only have two people I consider friends here."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"If you see me pushing a wheelbarrow full of animal balloons up a hill, it may be a Zen koan, or it may be buy two get a third for FREE."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"Every day I’m growing as a man. I’m not growing in height, but rather I’m growing in love, which makes me seem taller than I really am."

"You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!"

"I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her."

"It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up."

"I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!"

"Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them."

"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising."

"The best way to make your audience laugh is to start laughing yourself."

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?"

"I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)"

"Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that's how people grow up."