#Funny

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?"

"I like to spoon after I fork."

"I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth."

"You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list.”I shook out my sore hand. My knuckles smarted. “First of all, are we so sure he really is a prince? And second, you’re just jealous.”“Of course I’m jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn’t the point."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies."

"I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?"

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."

"Emergency Valve Regulators,"she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?"Not really,"he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones."

"I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder."

"If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel."

"The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good."

"Dogs have their day but cats have 365."

"Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes."

"We were kissing.I thought: This is good.I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose,"she said, and laughed"

"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go."