#Funny

"Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

"Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up."

"They call me, The Sharkalator"

"If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers."

"The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!"

"It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks."

"But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards."

"Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies."

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."

"I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time."

"Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren's golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly fitted muscle shirt showed off his extremely well-developed arms and chest. I hissed at him quietly, "For heaven's sake, Ren! You're going to give the women heart palpitations!"

"Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price."

"People won't buy study guides for a dollar, but they will pay 100 dollars for test answers. A ‪#startup‬‬‬‬ should keep this mentality in mind."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."