#Funny

"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."

"Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that."

"No,” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.”“I’m still not kissing you,” Michael said.“Tease."

"I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back."

"Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny."

"There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t"

"Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever."

"I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100."

"Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty."

"Don't make me angry-kiss you."

"He thinks things through too much."

"I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"So they finally gave you the license to kill, about time."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist"

"Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?"

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise."

"From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."