#Funny

"Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell."

"When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."

"Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers."

"And you look beautiful,"she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake."

"I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same."

"I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!"

"I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay."

"It's not because I want to make out with her."Hold on."He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit"

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture."

"He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap."Ah,"he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please.""What?""Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!""You have GOT to be kidding.""Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn."

"My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism."

"I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely."

"I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more."

"I have lightning and wind powers,"Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!"

"If I looked like him,” Tara said. “I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time."

"I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline."