#Funny

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me."

"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"I had a dream about you last night. We went to the store cupboard to make out, but we ended up sharing our pain and then crying together. We wasn't prepared for this level of intimacy."

"She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter."

"You've read half the books in this house? This whole house?""Well, approximately half."Sticky said. "To be more accurate, I suppose I've read more like"- his eyes went up as he calculated - "three sevenths? Yes, three sevenths.""Only three sevenths?"said Kate, pretending to look disappointed. "And here I was prepared to be impressed."

"She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously."

"Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library."

"Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?"she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?""A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit."

"Barzûl!"

"I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate."

"If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."

"How are you feeling?"I leaned away from him. "Gross."Aiden frowned. "Gross?""I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."He laughed. "Alex, come on.""Seriously, I'm gross."I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."I stared at him. He must not get out much."

"I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it"

"Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!"