Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"People don’t buy products—they buy people. It’s called slavery. I mean networking. It’s called networking."

"Nostalgia is being blind to the bad and only remembering the good. Thinking about all the love I had for her is a positively Helen-Kelleresque experience."

"Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery."

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen."

"I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s the best place to hang a noose. More politicians need to be sticking their necks out for us."

"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."

"There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking"

"My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that."

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"Telephone pole wires get in the way of great photos. Communication always gets in the way of communication."

"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."

"I need to take loving to the extreme, as if it were a sport requiring a helmet and parachute. I wonder if @redbull would sponsor me."

"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."

"He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life."

"#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher."

"Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"I can sell you wine and I can sell you flowers, but I can't sell you romance, because that comes from your heart, and it's free."

"White letters plus white paper equals invisibility. Just because you can’t see my love for you, doesn’t mean I didn’t write about it."

"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."