Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Be memorable. Say something unforgettable. Be silent."

"It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time."

"My goal is to be as forgiving as a man with amnesia, but love as if I remember and cherish all the things you do that make me smile."

"She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart."

"If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me."

"Are all caps really necessary? No need to shout at me. My hearing is perfect when the words arrive in my mind through my eyes."

"I gave her a hundred dollar bill. She said, “Thanks, how can I repay you?” I replied, “Two fifties would be good, but three fifties would be better."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."

"Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me."

"Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold."

"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."

"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."

"When she tried to seduce me, I got suspicious, thinking she was just after my massive fortune. Then I relaxed, when I remembered I'm poor."

"I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers."

"You know who’s not money? @JManziel2. Quarterbacks should stay in the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Ask any politician."

"Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles."

"I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture."

"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."

"The heart sees what the eyes do not, and the heart hears what the ears cannot. Sight and sound are vibrations, and so is love."

"In my memory her love shimmers, glimmers, and glitters the way light on black water reflects like diamonds, the treasure that was us."