#bizarre

"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."