#bizarre

"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell"all the time."

"It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price."

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"