#humor

"Madness [10w] Madness isn't an objective state,it is a cultural bias."

"Beatrix, do you know what happens to girls who ask such naughty questions?”“They’re ravished in haylofts?” she inquired hopefully."

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it."

"Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy, and make the most of where you are"

"Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."

"I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?"

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."

"Relatively Speaking [10w] The irony about 'relativism theories' is that they're relative too."

"One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace."

"Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic."

"There's so much destruction all over the world - and all you can do is complain about ME!"

"The Rubik's Cube of Omár my Mán A Key of Coke underneath the Bough,A Jug of Jack, a Brick of Hash ~ Newsflash:'Now who the fuck needs Thou'."

"Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command"

"Every Small Child is a Miracle [10w] The God of small children is the one true God."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not."

"I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM."