Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."

"Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?"

"I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest."

"If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base."

"The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambled eggs that only a book can provide."

"Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man and make him sign a contract, and you must do it before Satan does. Trust me, the profits are HUGE!"

"I don’t want to develop—I want to evelop, because it’s more positive. Similarly, would you rather your love evolve or devolve? That’s why if you need me, I’ll be on the sofa trying to evelop myself as a person."

"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."

"I sell soap. Buy two bars and get a FREE shower. (Water not included.) Act within the next 15 minutes and I’ll even throw in the towel. I quit!"

"The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile."

"Words are magic. They have the power to hurt and to heal, and even withholding them has the power to hurt and to heal. What else has as much potency in its absence and can do without doing? What I mean is, even when you don’t say anything, you are communicating as effectively as if you’d spoken."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by."

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."

"The pink sunset reminds me of her, and the calm water matches the calm that images of her bring to my heart."

"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."

"While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France."

"I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!"

"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."

"I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him."