#Funny

"In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health."

"My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism."

"...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress."

"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."

"I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don't we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like, Her love was as pure as yellow snow."

"I had a dream about you last night.. You thought you were a candy vampire, you were standing in the sun screaming 'I'm melting."

"Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other part of world (West) ,they are enjoying in party and drinking liquor (white liquid) but their situation is that, successful, I do not know that the problem relates to the type of liquid or the way of drinking!!"

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention."

"She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?"

"I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them."

"Of course you know, this means war."

"I may not have been completely honest about that.""You? Less than truthful? I'm shocked, Nikolai. Shocked and horrified."