#Funny

"Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair."

"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord."Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday."

"My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone."

"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl"I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."

"Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!"

"I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before."

"My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it."

"But it was this tough little character part that I was playing, a very funny little guy that I invented over a weekend, because I realized I was not contributing to the humor of this thing. And I had to do something."

"Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?"

"Hey, princess of Popsicles! Queen of curlicue cones."

"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"I may not have been completely honest about that.""You? Less than truthful? I'm shocked, Nikolai. Shocked and horrified."

"When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on the menu."

"Don't make me angry-kiss you."