#Funny

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"So that's it?"Kenji says. "You just like him for his personality, huh?""What?""All of this,"Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, "has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and him being able to touch you all the time?""You think Warner is sexy?""That is not what I said."

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much."

"I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater."

"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord."Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my Grandfather. He hated anything that was so monotonous as repetition. That’s why he loathed walking so much. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and on and on."

"Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"You bitch!"Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?"

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion."

"I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake."

"Why?' He asked.'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell."

"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."

"Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!"