#Funny

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever."

"I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack."

"Take off your shirt."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you,"she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.""Are you sure?"he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me."

"[novan]: bassists are very good with their fingers[novan]: and some of us sing backup vocals, so that means we're good with our mouths too...(~ IM chat with Novan Chang, 18, bassist)"

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter."

"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."

"If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting."

"Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t."

"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere."

"I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this."

"We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross."

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"I had died and woken up in High School Musical"