#Funny

"I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report with the police."

"I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone."

"And so that means...""We have to rob the Henley,"Simon said.Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. "Again."

"So hologram means--"I finally said."It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now."

"You don't want him,"she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis?""Five percent of people in America have it,"said Ty helpfully."I do not have syphilis,"Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"”Sorry,"Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain."

"I think that it's hard for vain people to be funny. I think you can look any way you want as long as you have a good sense of humor about yourself. People who are concerned with their looks and what they're wearing and how they present themselves tend to have less of a sense of humor about themselves."

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much."

"This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!"

"My dad was a very funny man - he's the one who taught me life would be awfully hard without humor! I'm sure his Irish wit in some way influenced my decision to become an actress."

"I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk."

"I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime."

"Your mail could've waited."Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?"Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand."

"Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?"

"There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God."

"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."

"It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen."

"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."