#Funny

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally."

"Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away."

"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."

"I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me."

"I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack."

"She should have remembered her past experiences in the relationship wars and not let herself get so excited. Evidently her hormones had overruled her common sense and she had become drunk on ovarian wine, the most potent, sanity- destroying substance in the universe."

"The funniest people are the saddest ones"

"I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared."

"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."

"She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom."

"My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health."

"Comedy is still alive, and there are still funny people. Jews are still overrepresented in comedy and psychiatry and underrepresented in the priesthood. That immigrant Jewish humor is still with us."

"I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before."

"And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!"

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world."

"In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense."