#Funny

"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."

"Be careful, though.""Aren't I always?""No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless."

"Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow."

"My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious."

"I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist"

"Are you a female dog?""What?"Massie asked. "Why?""Because you are acting like a real bitch!"

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours."

"I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream."

"A boo is a lot louder than a cheer."

"And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play "you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine."

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."

"He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked."That's it?"He looked up. "Sorry?""Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town.""It's got a car alarm.""Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?""No. It's a pretty good car alarm."

"How very wet this water is."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."

"Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine."

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"He was gorgeous, and I absolutely, no question, had to be drooling. After a quick and hopefully stealthy check – big show, I wasn’t!- I found myself wonder what color his eyes were. Brown maybe. Or even hazel. Either way…wow, just wow. Deer? Headlights? Hi, I’m Ali."

"I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted."