#Funny

"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."

"Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided."

"It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover."

"Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow."

"I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo."

"Thou art a very ragged Wart."

"I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself."

"When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other.About Alex and Brittany."

"I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more."

"Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women."

"What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes."

"Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument."

"As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage,"and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit."

"In the office, Michael sat behind our father’s desk, clicking away at the computer with his right hand, and making notes with his left. Ambidextrous freak."

"Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait."

"I’m 33, and an 18-year-old girl called me old. I said, “You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair."

"Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman."

"However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be."