#Funny

"If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel."

"Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon."Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for that."

"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."

"Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!"

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

"She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot."

"Writing humor for me is more like a watchful-ness. You have to watch. When you say something funny, or someone else does, it's more like you wait for the piece."

"My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada."

"I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"Huh,"Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz."She smirked. "A job, eh?"Making things in your forge?""Nah, we could start our own shop,"Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet."

"Don't gobblefunk around with words."

"The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid."

"Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless"

"Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."