#Funny

"I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead."

"Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d be turning Z. And then I’d be dead."

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

"hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home,"I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you,"he says."

"I had a dream about you last night... you were there."

"Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!"

"...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress."

"There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you."

"A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it."

"Writing humor for me is more like a watchful-ness. You have to watch. When you say something funny, or someone else does, it's more like you wait for the piece."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"But there's a juicy artery in your groin,"he said after a pause to regroup, his voice as slithery as a snake on a slide."Don't you talk dirty,"I told him. "I won't listen to that."

"My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents."

"That’s us,” he said. “Those five nuts right there.”Which one is me?” I asked.The little deformed one,” Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up."

"I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home."

"I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t."

"Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more."

"I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic? "Actually,"replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that."