#Funny

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"sometimes when everything seems atits worstwhen all conspiresand gnawsand the hours, days, weeksyearsseem wasted – stretched there upon my bedin the darklooking upward at the ceilingi get what many will consider anobnoxious thought:it’s still nice to beBukowski."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you."

"I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline."

"I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist."

"I think it's important to find humor anywhere you can. In real life, with the darkest, scariest, most intense moments, if you can find something funny, that's good."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress."

"Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors"opened up for "The Cars."

"But it was this tough little character part that I was playing, a very funny little guy that I invented over a weekend, because I realized I was not contributing to the humor of this thing. And I had to do something."

"Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak."

"If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds."

"If it gets laughs, it's funny."

"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"You know what I like most about people? Pets."