#Funny

"Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have lube, will travel."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around"

"I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror."

"She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar."

"Is there any good news?' Tesla said.Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news?"

"I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist."

"If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs)."

"If anything attacked us, we could just panic at it until it went away."

"I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar."

"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."

"Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too"

"Writing humor for me is more like a watchful-ness. You have to watch. When you say something funny, or someone else does, it's more like you wait for the piece."

"Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed"

"HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers."

"I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop."

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."