#Funny

"Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though."

"And as Voltaire, one of our nation’s Founding Fathers, once said, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said."

"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."

"And you look beautiful,"she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake."

"I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle."

"Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways."~ Amunhotep El Bey"

"Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom."

"Okay, I'll wear the Bite Me shirt,[...]It'll be my standard response to any­one who tries to hit on me."I giggle. "Someone can come up and be like 'Hey babe, what's your sign?' and I'll just point to my shirt."Rayne laughs appreciatively and tosses me the tank top. "Of course they might think you're pointing to your boobs in a 'have at 'em, big boy' kind of way."

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr."

"I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear family. I want to put down roots, to let my seeds germinate, to watch them bloom and flourish. Not one day, if and when I ever fall in love again, but now. While I still have my youth, damn it."

"The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch"

"I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment."

"She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.”“Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them."

"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"Any good humor is sophomoric. 'Sophomoric' is the liberal word for funny."

"I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."