#Funny

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"You mean she doesn’t intend to blow me up before the ceremony?” said Kai,taking the box.“How disappointing."

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."

"Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion."

"girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinminethankyou."

"A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real."

"When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work."

"How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"If I looked like him,” Tara said. “I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time."

"Tomorrow I was supposed to have a meeting with a salesperson, who happened to be Orafoura. But something came up, so I called him and said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I have to cancel tomorrow.” To which he replied, “Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?"

"I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity."

"I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else."

"I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon."

"I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two."

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."