#Funny

"The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself."

"Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession."Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob"

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling."

"They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps."

"Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me."

"I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago."

"The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it."

"If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?"

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world."

"I think that it's hard for vain people to be funny. I think you can look any way you want as long as you have a good sense of humor about yourself. People who are concerned with their looks and what they're wearing and how they present themselves tend to have less of a sense of humor about themselves."

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

"She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble."

"I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian."

"I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny."