#Funny

"What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri."

"I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge."

"To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it."

"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."

"I am the Anagram of Love. I’m not evil, but I am evol. I guess this also makes me the Palindrome of Love!"

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore."

"It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl"I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."

"There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."

"The funniest people are the saddest ones"

"Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed"

"I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them."

"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."

"I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think."