#Funny

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?"

"Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here,"so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies."And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, "Ain't that the truth."

"What were you thinking?"I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. "Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?"Adrian grinned. "Nah. They all feel bad for you. You'll achieve martyrdom after dancing with a mean, wicked vampire. Job security with the Alchemists."

"The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!"

"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."

"If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for."

"My friend "M"says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people have in their heads - I just write it."

"Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care."

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."

"Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity."

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it."

"Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine."

"Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--"

"Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer."

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."