#humor

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"I'm dealing with a lot of scary things. I think you have to react to them. And you either laugh at them or you go insane."

"So many FREAKS and not enough CIRCUSES!"

"I do maintain that if your hair is wrong, your entire life is wrong."

"Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells."

"A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future."

"If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers."

"Depression Busy people have neither the time nor the swimming skills to take a divein a pool of depression."

"Consolation [10w] Man finds consolation in love, laughter and Ben & Jerry's."

"A Good Krill When there's a ocean to sieve through,there's no good or bad krill.There's only your mouth and hunger ~like Vladimir Putin."

"You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment."

"Epic vs. Great Poetry [10w] Epic poetry's about the extraordinary;Great poetry is about the commonplace."

"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."

"Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!"

"Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. "It's Cat,"I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven.""Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"What's in it for me?' A selfish person doesn't become compassionate as the result of some words of wisdom or epiphany. The selfish need selfish reasons to act unselfish."

"Gained in Translation [10w] In timeless truths there's more gained than lost in translation."

"In a gust of guts and gusto, I told her of my love for her. Then, like a tornado, she spun what I said into something that terrorized Kansas."

"It's not like there's a law against flying.""Yes there is. The law of gravity."