#humor

"Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time."

"No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s ALWAYS had EVERYTHING work out for them with ZERO struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist."

"Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot. Or maybe a ninja skeleton parrot? No, that would be overkill. But it'd be cool if the biker skeleton could be shooting some ninja throwing stars. That are on fire."

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

"Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much?"

"Don't Panic."

"And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl."

"I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!"

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

"Boundaries [10w] Receiving bribes blurs the clear boundaries between friends and enemies."

"Dont ruin my balls!"She laughs as the words leave her mouth.Better yours than mine, chica."I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"Jesus Christ Hiaku Jesus Christget a job already.You're killing your mother!"

"I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself."

"The Hand that Feeds You Don't bite the hand that feeds you ~unless you're in a haunted houseand the fucking hand isn't attached to anything."