#word-junkies

"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."

"As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign."

"My past is black and my future is blank. My only canvas is the present. The best color to paint with is love."

"To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients."

"A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love."

"I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden."

"The lungs are fishing nets for smoke, and I inhaled her essence like she was marijuana grown just for me."

"She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?"

"My love is expansive. Your love is expensive."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."

"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."

"There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants."

"I held her gaze as I held her in my arms. With all that holding I couldn’t hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past."

"The sunset produces flower clouds in a garden in the sky, and while there is still light you can see a heavenly representation of my love for you.The sunrise produces rays that light up the world like your eyes do when you're with me. They shimmer and I can see the stars in your eyes that gleam from your soul.-Jarod Kintz and Karen Quan"

"My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?"

"I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?"

"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."

"The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes."

"I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM."

"Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart."