#word-junkies

"Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more."

"When three women all ignore each other, and each ignores me, it reminds me of Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s definition of love. Love is isn’t—even when it isn’t."

"I’m more of a journalist than anyone in the mainstream media, and I write fiction. More than fiction, I write absurd nonsense surrealism, and my work has more truth."

"If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing."

"I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed to picking up on political rhetoric."

"As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I’ll pen our love story, if you’ll be my co-author."

"I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor."

"If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic."

"I haven't measured it, but I'll bet cat purrs vibrate at a healing frequency. Also, a whispered I love you almost certainly resonates with heart and DNA repair."

"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."

"Logos on designer clothes don't make me feel like I've got a strong personal brand. No clothes make the man. Even wearing no clothes I'm still me."

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."

"Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m drowning in my love for you."

"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."

"I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising."

"I don't own the sunset, but I have a free yearly membership to stream whenever it's on, and this is a life perk that makes me wealthy."

"It's a fact that men make more money than women. That's why I became a man. Best decision of my life."

"I meet people to know I’m not alone. I network like an astronaut on the moon."

"I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales."