#word-junkies

"In today's classroom everybody wins a trophy, even the one kid who actually won. Soon it will be, let's punish that kid for making the other kids feel like losers."

"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."

"The word long is short, and so is the word short, but why is the word love as long as long? Shouldn’t it be longer?"

"I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in."

"I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"In middle school, I got picked on a lot. But boy, it sure felt good to get picked, because who doesn’t like to get chosen and called out as special?"

"I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it."

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"

"If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it's not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life."

"Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor."

"I predict that love will burst forth on the Fourth of July. That’s tomorrow, so I’d better prepare tonight for massive fireworks of the heart."

"I am the three minutes of 180 seconds, and I don’t do refills. I’m a lover, not a farmer."

"Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?"

"Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock."

"I fish the old-fashioned way—with dynamite and screen doors for nets. Don’t be rude—knock before entering the kill zone."

"Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through."

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go."

"The heart sees what the eyes do not, and the heart hears what the ears cannot. Sight and sound are vibrations, and so is love."