#Funny

"I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior, and not from the jokes. I don't think jokes are funny. Humor comes out of character and out of situations the character is in."

"Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"Simon!"Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?"Simon looked alarmed."I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age."

"I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me."

"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep."

"Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was."

"He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.''What you got on it?' the girl said.'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.''Haw, haw,' the girl said politely."

"I think what is important for things to be funny is if you the listener, or the reader, get a chance to supply the humor of it yourself."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow."

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."

"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."

"I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian."

"Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care."

"My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns."