#Funny

"The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well."

"Life is never all one thing. It bounces around. Certainly, my own life has. Look at Woody Allen's funny movies - all the humor comes out of sad stuff. Sometimes you have to laugh, no matter what life deals you."

"I am the three minutes of 180 seconds, and I don’t do refills. I’m a lover, not a farmer."

"Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?"

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!"

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

"I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet."

"I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny."

"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."

"Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear."

"Be careful, though.""Aren't I always?""No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless."

"Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways."~ Amunhotep El Bey"

"Twitter is the place where I try to be more funny. And then I use Instagram just as my diary. I pull some jokes on there, but I think people have a better sense of humor on Twitter."

"Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can."

"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

"I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror."

"I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don't we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like, Her love was as pure as yellow snow."