#naughty

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"I never loved another person the way I loved myself."

"Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her."

"Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors."

"When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks."

"Dawn is meant for Lovers. And so is dusk and anytime in between. Count me in. And out. In, out, in, out, and I just came, I saw, I conked out.-Amanda Mosher and Jarod Kintz"

"If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel."

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you."

"She had coffee-colored eyes, if java were blue-green, and we made love like nobody was watching, which is probably why the audience demanded a refund for our poor performance."

"I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"Candle making is a half-ass business, because the product is only useful half the day, at night. Why not make candles that double as dildos, and make it a whole-ass business."

"I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical."

"I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you."

"good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere"

"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."