#Strange

"What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor."

"I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave."

"The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert."

"With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?"

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die."

"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."

"Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?"

"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"

"Tis strange,-but true; for truth is always strange;Stranger than fiction: if it could be told,How much would novels gain by the exchange!How differently the world would men behold!"

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."