#Strange

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter."

"A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"Someone asked me what the key to being a good frontman was, and I think having a sense of humor about it is pretty near the top of that list. It's a very strange place to be in, and I don't take that role too seriously."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love."

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?"

"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"