#Strange

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."

"I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"Nobody knows anything. I deal with people in all walks of life, some of whom should have some idea of what they're doing. And they're all clueless. It's astonishing that any bridges stay up, or that planes don't constantly plummet from the sky. It's heartening, in a strange way."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert."

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover."

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"There is something inexpressibly sad in the thought of the children who crossed the ocean with the Pilgrims and the fathers of Jamestown, New Amsterdam, and Boston, and the infancy of those born in the first years of colonial life in this strange new world."

"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."