#word-junkies

"I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians."

"Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream."

"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."

"My writing has appeared in the New Yorker and The Atlantic Monthly, though whenever the newsstand guy catches me scribbling my poetry in them, he always comes along later and erases it."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I fell for you like the stars fall from the sky. Flames and light and twinkle dust, our burning love showered the night. The dust has been collecting since the day you left, and I dare not leave even one fingerprint in it, because one should never try to touch the past.-Crystal Woods and Jarod Kintz"

"My love for you grows daily, and all it takes is exposure to your sunny disposition, coupled with watering it with coffee."

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer."

"I could be in the middle of a spiritual hurricane, my soul torn and tormented, but when I see you smile it's blue skies for miles. You give me a tsunami of emotions, and my heart is trying to find peace through crashing waves, but they always end up in a cyclone that never dies.-Jarod Kintz and Karen Quan"

"Her dancing inspires me to move. I used to be like a statue, and now I am more like a mannequin. So much more fashionable, you know?"

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"Every night I sleep like a log. In a lit fireplace. If you bring the marshmallows, I’ll bring the burning desire for you."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."

"It takes guts to love with gusto. Most people love as if they wish they were invisible, and then they wonder why their affections go unnoticed."

"I like grape juice. Fermented grape juice—wine. It’s the drink of choice for champions. I know because I asked a bunch of winners."

"She's beautiful, but so what? If the University of Florida taught me anything, it's that beautiful women are everywhere. The trick is to find the diamond among all the glittering cubic zirconias."

"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."