#word-junkies

"I gave her a hundred dollar bill. She said, “Thanks, how can I repay you?” I replied, “Two fifties would be good, but three fifties would be better."

"I’ll convert a school desk into a tricycle, because how else am I supposed to learn to love? It’s not like baseball gloves are very effective oven mitts."

"If you need me I’ll be sitting over there, on the ground, next to the empty chair. The emptiness always reminds me of your love."

"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"

"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."

"To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken."

"When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle."

"Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me."

"I just bought a new dishwasher. Some guy was selling two of them in a barn, and it was either that or get a horse, but horses leave spots on silverware."

"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"If I die with a zillion dollars and you die with zero, our net worth is worthless. All that matters is the love we level across our lives."

"The sunset produces flower clouds in a garden in the sky, and while there is still light you can see a heavenly representation of my love for you.The sunrise produces rays that light up the world like your eyes do when you're with me. They shimmer and I can see the stars in your eyes that gleam from your soul.-Jarod Kintz and Karen Quan"

"I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery."

"I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love."

"The Federal Government pushing drugs and then punishing marijuana growers is like the pot calling the kettle green."

"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."

"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."