#word-junkies

"Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles."

"Money is not equal for all people. A strong personal brand adds more lift and leverage. One dollar from me may buy a soda from a car dealership, but one dollar from Justin Bieber may get him a Ferrari. And they'd pay him to drive away."

"He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance."

"Take some cues from some Q’s. Quality and quantity lead to queues."

"My heart can hold all the love you give me. If you need to quantify it to properly price it for sale, it would be one gallon."

"Before the NSA there was the Catholic Church. What is confessional if not a place to gather secrets? No wonder the church had all the power."

"Don’t ever let the sun set on our love. Not even if it’s so gorgeous it’d make a great postcard. $1.99, if interested."

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors."

"Are all caps really necessary? No need to shout at me. My hearing is perfect when the words arrive in my mind through my eyes."

"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."

"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."

"Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture."

"The pink sunset reminds me of her, and the calm water matches the calm that images of her bring to my heart."

"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."

"As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign."

"She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time."

"We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman."

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey."