#Funny

"The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content."

"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."

"In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?”I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.”“Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended.“Prove me wrong."

"I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame."

"I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear family. I want to put down roots, to let my seeds germinate, to watch them bloom and flourish. Not one day, if and when I ever fall in love again, but now. While I still have my youth, damn it."

"I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian."

"It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners."

"Simon!"Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?"Simon looked alarmed."I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age."

"I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?"

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"I want to write a song about the only girl I’ve ever loved. And the chorus will say something like, “I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"But if you read Jane Austen, you know that she had a wicked sense of humor. Not only was she funny, but her early writing was very dark and had a gothic tone to it."

"My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored."

"There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants."

"If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now."

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."