#word-junkies

"If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And also that sometimes you get ice with no water, and later you’ll get water with no ice. Ah, but that’s life, no?"

"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek."

"My love is rare, like a hornless unicorn."

"If you want me, you’d better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited."

"I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level."

"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."

"The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you’re going to see it blink black. That’s the moment to start writing."

"I can hold my alcohol, just like I’m a wine bottle. I dance as fluid as glass, and my heart shatters just as easily."

"I know I'm not going to be in your head all the time. But once you know me, I'll be forever in your heart."

"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."

"A #startup is as fragile as a flower, and it needs a garden and a gardener to help it grow. Those gardens are called Business Incubators."

"Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it."

"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."

"I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you."

"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"Let’s get romantic and head to bed and make meatloaf all night long. I’ll wear my Ben Bernanke beard, because it fits me like a fur coat."

"Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot."