#word-junkies

"The Sacred and The Scared. Which of these two categories does your love fall under? I should write a love poem on a rolled-up scroll so you’d know which one categorizes mine."

"I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true."

"Everyone’s different, and in that way everyone’s the same. Stand out by sitting down. Try my love seat—it’s made for two people, so you can be comfortably obese."

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"

"Between Portland and Seattle is a mint factory, and they made sweets like we made sweet love, and America needs more manufacturers like us."

"Her love stays with me wherever I go. That’s because I have it on a leash, like a dog, and I take it for walks like I do with my pet wheelchair."

"I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!"

"I thirst for love like a camel thirsts for water. I’m going through a desert right now, but I’m searching for the oasis of my life."

"Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves."

"A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still, I was able to trade it for political favors."

"I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library."

"Her heart is so dark, if it were ink it’d be beyond black and would only be good for writing a murder mystery novel."

"When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle."

"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."

"Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance."

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!"

"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."